UPDATED: Skipper's Log, an Autobiography
by TheRatKing1
Summary: Skipper's biography, updated from the previous version i posted


*presses record on the tape recorder*

Skipper's Log : My Autobiography.

Prologue:

Today is February 16th 2013. Location : Cen-...classified! I'm...um...in a classified location! I certainly wouldn't be in the Central Park Zoo! Well, i'm recording this autobiography for posterity's sake, see, and also because most of my secrets have been declassified... Oh...whatever! I was hatched and raised a genuine New Yorker; I know the lay of the land better than the back of my own flipper. I came out into the world a bold and daring baby penguin on *coughs* CLASSIFIED *coughs* in The Central Park Zoo. Name's Skipper (if you haven't heard the title). I've been many things in my *coughs* CLASSIFIED *coughs* decades of life: warrior, leader, adventurer, mentor, ex boyfriend, , and possibly one of the worst enemies you could have. I see myself as a leader, a natural born leader, and I show it, comprende? If this recording ever makes it out into the world, I don't know what I'd do except maybe slap the lazy hippie responsible for spilling what little SECRET secrets i have left!

Chapter 1: My team.

My team and I are the only things standing in the way between chaos and the Zoo. Huh, my team, what would I do without them? I've called us many things ( The Black and White Commandos, Ninja Flipper Squad, and Garg Meeg Peebles were the choices my team gave me as options) I settled on Team Penguin, something I felt was short and fearsome. Something you could take home and introduce to your momma. I run a tight ship and I expect only the best. I expect my men to be on their webbed toes and fit for duty. But we'll save that for later, let me introduce you to the boys.

Rico is our demolitions expert. He doesn't say much, but he's willing to give it his all. Personally, I think years of regurgitating weapons and such had damaged his throat. His stomach is an endless void called a hammer space (note to self: I have to make Kowalski put in a quarter in his Show off Jar for that. Whenever he says something long, boring and scientific I charge him.) He's pretty much a world class psychopath with a taste for excitement. It's a mystery how he passed the psych exam, because Kowalski attempted to read Rico's mind once and all that he got was a single thought: "Fish". To make up for his lack of speech, he's our best (and only) weapons expert. In addition to fish he's interested in two other things, explosions and his doll/girlfriend, Miss Perky. He also has an extreme case of gooey love mush sensitivity. Young Private is the main cause ending in extreme nausea for Rico. There are two downsides to Rico, he's superstitious, and you can't let him get too crazy with explosives because he may have the capability to destroy the Zoo *shudder*.

Kowalski is the tallest (I'm a bit jealous) and the smartest in the group. But he tends to over analyze whenever I tell him the usual "Kowalski, Analysis."In addition to being our brilliant inventor and group strategist, he's my second- in- command. One of several pet peeves I have about him is that his inventions usually end up exploding (much to the excitement of Rico), so I'm a little suspicious of anything he builds. Despite all that he's a genius. Give him a bunch of random junk and he can produce a plasma ray or a rocket ship. Don't ask me why but he has an irrational fear of the dentist (for me it's needles, but who can blame me? Sharp little instruments of terror!). He can play a banjo and sing, too. His love interest is a resident dolphin, Doris, Blowhole's sister, who's tried to tell him she's not interested a gajillion times already... or at least she used to. They shared a kiss-...I'm getting ahead of myself.

Private (Oh, sorry, I forgot "Private First Class". Yes, his name is also his title) is the shortest (thankfully) and the youngest in Team Penguin. He is our resident code breaker. He speaks with a hint of a British accent which I thought was fake until I met his Uncle Nigel (World's Top Penguin Agent (besides me) whose disguise for the longest time was a version of his usual self who acted like he was south of crazytown). He can be too soft for my comfort. He has a very bad sugar addiction and has a talent he swears never to use again: Hyper Cuteness. He has an irrational fear of badgers and is obsessed with Lunacorns (though his toy Lunacorn did save our tails once). But, he's fiercely loyal, a good member of the team and fights amazingly well when he's blindfolded.

Chapter 2: Madagascar, Africa and Europe.

Flashback to 2004 . That year my team and I attempted to escape the Zoo. Our escape tunnel only made it as far as our neighbor, Marty the zebra. (For time's sake let's call Marty and his friends, "The Hippies") Marty, Alex, the lion, Gloria the Hippo and Melman Mankiewicz the giraffe (the Hippies), two chimpanzees named Phil and Mason and ourselves attempted to make it back to the lands of our ancestors. We made it as far as Grand Central before we were on a cargo boat bound for Antarctica (which sucked, by the way) and Africa.

The Hippes were bound for Africa, but ended up drifting to Madagascar where we found them after our trip to Antarctica. The ship was out of gas. We ended up borrowing and repairing a plane from the Lemur King, Julien XIII (a.k.a Ringtail, the Bane of my existence and our neighbor) who let us on the condition that he and two of his subjects, Mort and Maurice tag along. We made it as far as Africa before the plane crashed. I don't know what happened with The Hippies, but by the time the plane was fixed Alex was reunited with his family, and I married a bobble head (sadly, my relationship with Lola wasn't meant to be).About 4 years later, we were in Monte Carlo playing (and winning) at roulette until The Hippies burst in and Hotel security called in Chief Chantel DuBois, of Animal Control who only wanted the Mammals as hunting trophies. We barely escaped her and her men. The Hippies' only hope was to join a circus (and believe me when I say this circus needed the extra help, they were in dire need of a new act) to get back home. After the performances failed in London and Rome, they made their way stateside. DuBois eventually caught up and we had to rescue them. For her services in returning all of us back to the Zoo she was rewarded with a million dollar check, but not before attempting to poison Alex. She and her team were arrested (at least that's what they thought but I made sure that she and her men were off on an all expense paid trip to Madagascar on a cramped cargo boat. )

Chapter 3: Life at the Zoo

Fast forward to 2008, several years after our reluctant return to the zoo. Honestly, i love the zoo and i love where we are because we've got 5,000 square feet right off Fifth Avenue! I'll admit I don't know exactly how a penguin is supposed to act, but those humans eat up the "cute and cuddly" routine! It's a sweet deal, we get free fish, and all we have to do is smile, wave and look disgustingly adorable to the point of nausea for the overcharged tourists, never suspecting that any of us... just wait for chapter 7. i have all this written down and I'm reading it while I'm recording it.

I've made a few enemies at the Zoo. Alice, the ornery zookeeper, Joey the kangaroo, Officer X of Animal Control, The Rat King, a mutated sewer rat, Hans, a Danish Puffin and the reason I can't put a single webbed foot anywhere near Denmark, Rhonda the walrus, a spy for Blowhole, Savio the Boa, who had dinner plans, with the Zoo animals as his main course, Clemson the lemur, who tried to dethrone Julien. But I've also made a few friends such as Marlene the otter, our next door neighbor (I think she's from California.) Then there's Roger, originally a sewer gator, and Kitka the falcon, my ex girlfriend.

My team's main job basically is to protect the Zoo from harm. Anything that could go wrong, like one of Kowalski's failed inventions explodes, Julien royally screws something else up, an arch foe rears their ugly head again. Practically anything and everything, we have a plan for.

Chapter 4: Arch nemeses

Many of my enemies I've met while at the Zoo. All of those previously mentioned (minus Joey, Alice and X) seemed to resurface at the Hoboken Zoo. A place I'd swore I'd NEVER enter alive. I've wasted away in prison camps and gulags, but I'd take those over Hoboken any day. Sorry, back to the story. Flashback to August of 2011. The boys and I planned a fishing trip to Cape Cod. All was well until a huge storm blew us off course and we (literally) landed in Hoboken. I've heard a lot of horror stories about that disease riddled cesspool of a Zoo, but it was a sparkling clean paradise.

I knew at once something was wrong. While the others had a blast enjoying the company of our reformed enemies, while I was sticking my beak where it didn't belong (one place was a shrine Zookeeper Frances had set up for Central Park Commissioner McSlade.) This landed my right in the dungeon. It turns out that all the animals, even my men (and yes, me too. My iron will was broken by the sweet, sweet temptation of a neck rub) were cloned via massage chairs.

The biomechanical androids were much easier to care for and much easier for the neat freak Frances to control. Just as she was about to become head Zookeeper at Central Park, I was fighting my evil clone. The end result was her being fired from the job and arrested.

The Rat King is a different story. My men and I met him one day in April of '09 when Julien's crown blew into the sewer, and I had to fight the royal rodent to get it back. My concussion was all for nothing when we learned he had a spare crown. The Rat King had been a problem for us at least seven or eight times within the past few years. He's the kind of rat who will bully, lie and thieve his way into whatever he wants. Luckily we've always managed to defeat him. The bigger they are, the harder they fall and whatnot... seriously, he's 6 foot 4 inches tall with 34 inch biceps...i was terrified when-... I mean i faced the foe with my war face on! Hoo-ha! * karate move*

Chapter 5: Dr. Blowhole

Doctor Francis Blowhole, PhD is my greatest foe .On more than one occasion he's tried to take over the world. He has a heart of pure evil, but skin surprisingly pleasant to the touch. His plans have made me go a BIT paranoid , so much so that several years ago I tried to trick him with a toilet /stink bomb. It failed, OBVIOUSLY since dolphins don't use toilets. ( That's the last time I listen to Rico about revenge plans!) For reasons unknown, he enjoys being hand-fed fish by his lobsters, and retains a chirp similar to dolphin calls when he says certain vowels when he laughs. He also rides a Segway Pt 76. Private thinks it's just because he was born and raised to be cared for by humans and just got used to zoo life, but THAT theory is ridiculous!

His more recent attack was on the arctic. He tried to melt the Arctic Circle, flooding the earth. Once more, we stopped him. His final attack was last September. Using his "Mind Jacker" to erase my memory, his target was the boys. He planned to make them evil monsters fit to do his bidding using his "Diabologizer". As I washed up somewhere on a deserted island after I was ambushed by Hans in Shanghai, my mind created a spirit guide, in the form of Alex, The yak happy lion to help me find my memories and my way home. ( Hmm...sounds like the end of a pixie dust- filled fairy tale!)

The only time Julien created a problem and helped solve it was when I was back at the Zoo after making my way cross country half crazy from having Alex constantly talking to me. I found that one of Kowalski's inventions (some kind of power cell) merged with Julien's MP3 player (he thought it was a battery. What can I say? That's Ringtail for ya.) to create a monster sized machine that forced everyone to sing. Blowhole tried to tame it, but while I distracted him, the boys removed the battery, and erased Blowholes memory. Coney Island welcomed the long awaited return of Flippy the Dolphin.

Speaking of... and this is all I'll say for now Parker, a platypus, and Doris, Blowhole's sister came to us for help recently. As it turns out, that conniving little Mono...Monochromatic...Mononucleosis...Monowhaddya callit...Kowalski...what family do platypus belong to?

Monotreme, I believe. GHAA! I can't believe she dated that scumbag! What did she SEE in him?!

Anyways, that conniving little monotreme tricked us into helping Blowhole!Blowhole still thought that he was Flippy ( second best dolphin in Seaville, 3 shows daily, 4 on weekends). Parker then took Blowhole back to his base and the lobsters attempt to get the Mind Jacker out of Blowhole's Segway, which failed until we showed up. We started fighting the lobsters, and Doris decided to join in. She had no idea how to operate the segway, and she erased all of our minds until Parker restored Blowhole's and he shackled us to a wall. He restored our memories to have one last gloat, but not before quick-thinking Kowalski knocked him off balance with his tongue. His plan to flood the earth using the moon would have worked if Rico hadn't blown up the laser he planned to use. Eventually, the lab blew up as well. Doris and Kowalski shared a brief, yet passionate kiss.

But i know out there Blowhole is still alive. Arch enemies ALWAYS return, sooner or later.

Chapter 6: My Early Life

I'd tell you about Denmark and Manfredi and Johnson, but for now that remains classified! Poor Freddy and Johnny...their lives tragically cut short by a cruel twist of-

Um...actually, Skipper...

Yes, Kowalski?

I was examining the security camera footage from our escapade in Seaville Aqua Fun Park last july, and Manfredi and Johnson are indeed alive and-

What?! They are?! Eggs and bacon, how did we miss seeing them in Seaville?!

I-i have no idea, sir.

Anything else you want to tell me?

Um...Skipper?

What is it Private?

Remember when you went to destroy the Denmark file?

Yes, and my fight to make the ultimate sandwich out of two halves of an open-faced one.

So that's what happened!

*warningly* Private...

Righty-o. Back to training.

Ugh... stupid Government conspiracies

Looking back on my life ( and don't get me wrong I still intend to go about living it!) I've done and said a lot of crazy things. I haven't had the chance to slap a hippie yet. Hopefully Kowalski can get that time machine fixed after the last time. I speak a bit of Italian. I've learned to play the Spanish guitar after living in Mexico for eight years; I've been in countless car chases and explosions and once woke up in a Kyoto hotel room on a bed of counterfeit Deutschmarks. My point is that I've had one heck of a life!

Anyways... well, i guess that's everything for now. Remember this much... forget everything I've told you! There are no such penguins as Skipper, Kowalski Rico and Private... You didn't see...um...I mean hear anything!

Epilogue

I've made friends and enemies, lost friends and enemies, lost my dignity a few times. My Old Man molded me into the bird you see before you today . On more than one occasion have I found myself in an unusual situation and have had the skill and the know- how to escape. I owe it all to everyone that's has ever crossed paths with me and for that I'm thankful, otherwise who knows what sort of sorry shape I'd be in? But I admit I would be nothing without my men. Guys, thanks for everything and be sure to remember the Penguin Code of Honor ...no, not "Never swim in a mix of boiling oil and Bisquick... I mean "Never Swim Alone". Keep that in mind and you'll be fine. I wonder what my life would be like if I never met any of you , but I stop to remind myself that I'm a Man and Men don't cry or talk sappy. Kowalski, Rico, Private, it's been a pleasure.

Kowalski, try NOT to blow up the world once we retire. Rico...er...um...keep on...being Rico and enjoy life to the fullest! And Private? Keep up the good work. I couldn't be prouder that you have your OWN secret life, just like mine! Keep on following in my footsteps and you may just become team leader when I'm no longer able to do it!

I guess that's everything i can think of. Time to call it a day and go out for our cute n' cuddly routine!

I'm waving my flippers back and forth now, sinking slowly for dramatic effect...and you can't even see me, so why am i bothering to do this?

Skipper Out!

*shuts tape recorder off*


End file.
